June, 6th, 2005 Monday

hell. its all coming back to me again. its all coming back. i thought i could get through it. but i never thought i was so weak. the more i tried to suppress it, the more helpless i am to it. i woke up to a cold morning at 5. sitting there like a stone and reminiscing. i don't know what brought back those events and memories. i really don't. and i could do nothing to stop them flashing back. clearly and slowly, one by one, without any premonition, they kept on repeating themselves and playing back like a record. i can't believe i'm acting like this. i know its insane. i know it crazy. i just sat there staring at the wall, as if there was a show going on. there are so much laughter and joy, so much. but why, why must it bring on the heartache after all these happy and blissful moments.