May, 2nd, 2005 Monday(11:33pm....)

is a holiday today. a long weekend for the past week. i'm getting a hang of it i think. for the situations i'm in i mean. i think it should be the way. one step at a time. its a better weekend this time round i think. didn't really get myself too wasted...or did i? ha. don't really understand what's the defination of being able to survive. its rather complex you see. survival to some, maybe be solely being able to stay alive, but to some, survival means more than breathing and exhaling, its about being able to control your destiny. thats why i say when we chose the path we had to walk, we are already controlling our destiny. but in whichever path you chose for yourself, you must have faith in yourself first, before even taking the first step.
took a good reflection at myself. i've seen what i've become. i've succumbed under the elements of stress. i don't see my good old self anymore. i've indeed seen the weaker side of me. i don't like that feeling at all. and i'm not going to sit and wait for miracles like you guys out there. i'm not going to whine about how tough life is anymore. yes, i do question. but sometimes, i already have the answer in my heart. i need nobody to tell me what to do anymore. i remember i don't used to be like this, this is not jerry. its just the devil thats trying to eat me up thats showing its form. i want my damn old self back, i want the confident me back, i want the happy me back. and i'm going to battle with whatever that hold me back from getting myself inplace. screw the rules in life. i am the rules.